Not all trauma is created equal, is it?
We believe that a “Big T” trauma is something huge, such as a death in the family, divorce, car accident, war or bankruptcy, to name a few. It is also considered a “Big T” trauma when it has a beginning and an end, like the previous examples.
We thought a “Little T” trauma is smaller, such as a breakup, not being accepted into the college of our choice, fighting with a friend, slipping on the ice, or losing our phone, to name a few .
In reality, “Little T” traumas are events that have no definite endpoint or are long lasting. Not a tornado or an avalanche, but still possibly traumatic.
These terms have become common shorthand for talking about trauma, which is helpful to many people. But calling some “big” and some “small” means that people think these traumas should affect us differently and that we should heal from them in radically different ways.
Big T should be harder and take longer to heal, Little T should be easier, just based on the name. Right?
Not exactly!
How to Recognize Trauma When You Feel It
According to the APA, trauma is defined as “Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event such as an accident, rape, or natural disaster.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, in her bestseller Eat Pray Lovewrites about a therapist friend who offered to counsel a group of Cambodian refugees, refugees who “had suffered the worst that humans can inflict on each other – genocide, rape, torture, starvation, murder of their relatives…”
Her friend was worried that she couldn’t help these people with their “Big T” trauma.
So when she started talking to them, what did she find out they were talking about? The book explains:
“That was it: I met this guy when I was living in the refugee camp, and we fell in love. I thought he really liked me, but then we broke up on different boats, and he hooked up with my cousin. Now he’s married to her, but he says he really loves me, and he keeps calling me, and I know I should tell him to go away, but I still love him. and I can’t stop thinking about him…”
In other words, for these people, what we might think of as “Little T” trauma was actually much worse (at least on the surface) than the things we imagine to be “Big T” trauma.
Surprising no?
Is this a “first world problem”?
I have so many clients who struggle with things that we could define as “Big T” trauma or “Little T” trauma and, almost without exception, these clients are ashamed that things that could be perceived as a “Little T” The “traumas” are things they have trouble dealing with.
They often refer to their “Little T” trauma as a “first world problem” because it is often not seen as immediate or quite as dangerous.
If there are so many people in the world struggling with war and violent crime, how can their little trauma compare and how can they justify their suffering?
My answer? That for each person, a trauma is unique and is best described by the person experiencing it.
What may seem like a big trauma to one person can be easily healed by one person, while what seems like small would be much more difficult to heal, especially the long-lasting Little T type of trauma.
Trauma is not unique
For example, when my husband left me for another woman, I was devastated. My father had left me when I was a child and all my life I had lived in fear of being abandoned again.
My friends said it was no big deal because we had been unhappy for so long and his leaving was the best thing that could have happened to me. And that could have been true. The continued unhappiness may have been a “Little T” trauma, but his actual departure was a “Big T” trauma for me.
On the other hand, these Cambodians, who had been through what was, for most people in the world, a “huge T” trauma (so to speak), needed to process what the rest of us might consider a minor loss – a failed love affair.
It is important that we recognize that our traumas are unique to us. That our traumas are often based on things that have traumatized us in the past or things that have always been triggers for us that might make them harder to deal with now.
What matters – how big (or small) is your trauma?
My worst fear, really, is getting caught in an avalanche – which I perceive as “Big T” trauma. A good friend of mine recently got caught up in one and she simply called it a thrilling experience. I mean, seriously?
My goal in all of this is not to judge you on the level of your trauma or how well you are recovering from it. Trauma is nuanced, and a continuous “Little T” trauma can affect you more than a short, singular “Big T” trauma. We all need to understand that it is not the size of the trauma that matters, but the depth of how we experience it.
If we downplay our trauma and label it as insignificant, it will just resurface somewhere down the line and make another trauma even harder to deal with.
So the next time a trauma arises in your life or you become aware of it, don’t ignore it or minimize it.
Accept it as something you need to deal with and get rid of so it doesn’t affect you in the future when what you might consider a “Big T” trauma happens.
Mitzi Bockmann is a Certified Life and Relationship Coach. She has over 10 years of experience helping people find happiness in life and love.